One small thing- There is no "right" decision

"She has been accepted to all three universities she applied to, she is waiting for a response from the fourth and will decide. But she is very confused about which one to choose," my friend tells me on the phone when I ask her what her niece is doing.

How many times have we been in the shoes of my friend's niece! Not necessarily about the subject but about any decision that seems important. From something simple, like what to order at a restaurant - fish or meat - to a difficult decision like moving to another city/country that will change your life.

They say we make around 35,000 decisions a day. From the most unconscious ones like which route to take to get to our destination, to the momentary decisions we may regret later, like eating a second piece of cake, to those that cause us stress because we weigh every possible consequence.

We often hear about the concept of mindfulness , but what exactly is it? It is a practice that allows us to focus our attention on the present moment and accept what is happening around us without judgment. It is one of the most powerful tools for reducing stress.

Ellen Langer, PhD, a professor of psychology at Harvard University (she was the first female psychology professor to earn tenure at Harvard) and author, is considered the “mother of mindfulness” in academic circles. Her latest book, The Mindful Body , presents research showing how mindfulness affects everything from how we heal to how we age and, most interestingly, how it impacts our decision-making and physical health. “Feeling like we have to make a decision is stressful in itself, and stress is bad for our health,” she says. “When we believe there is only one right decision and we are afraid of making the wrong one, we are actually doing ourselves a disservice.”

According to her, making decisions that we are happy with is not a matter of thinking more but the opposite: thinking less. Most of us overanalyze something that does not necessarily lead to better results. There are four common perceptions that actually make the decision-making process difficult

- Pros and cons lists cannot predict the future

Many of us resort to the familiar method of making a pros and cons list to make a decision. However, this list of advantages and disadvantages is not always useful. “You can never really know the true costs and benefits of a decision, because there are countless factors that could affect the outcome,” he explains. Moreover, this long-term analysis does not necessarily guarantee a better outcome as circumstances change. The “right” decision today may turn out to be the wrong one tomorrow. Furthermore, the context in which we make a decision today may be different tomorrow. “Say you buy a house when you don’t have children. It’s small and cozy and you’re very happy. And then you change your mind, now you want children and the house is too small. We usually try to solve today’s problems with yesterday’s solution.” Does this sound familiar?

- There is no "right" decision

It's all very well to skip the over-analysis and make easier choices, but how can you be sure you've made the right one? According to her, there's no such thing. "The concept of the 'right' decision is an illusion," she says. "Instead of wasting your time trying to make the right decision, invest your energy in making the decision right." In other words, once you've made a choice, you should focus on making it work. If you've bought a new home and aren't quite sure if it was a good choice, the best thing you can do is turn it into a beautiful, warm space where you feel good.

- Too much information leads to paralysis

“We believe that if we collect more information, we will make a better decision. In reality, however, too much information can lead us to analyze to the point of collapse,” he explains. I remember the time when I wanted to buy a new computer, I went to stores, looked at them, asked for information, compared models, got confused, got “stuck” and suffered from what the American psychologist Barry Schwartz, whose work focuses on the intersection of psychology and economics, calls “analysis paralysis.” It’s similar with what movie to choose to watch on television.

- Regrets about the decision you made are not worth your time.

How many times have we caught ourselves regretting or feeling remorse for a decision we made! In NLP we say that regret and guilt are a relentless internal criticism that prevents us from going deeper. Regrets have no practical benefit as we can never know how things would have turned out if we had chosen differently. If there is one thing that Ellen Langer believes is the biggest waste of time, it is spending time regretting your decision. “When we regret a decision, we mistakenly believe that the other option would have been better. But there is no way of knowing what would have happened if we had chosen differently.”

Let’s go back to my friend’s niece and her choice of university. Let’s say she has the choice of studying in London or Edinburgh. She chooses London and during her first year, she ends up wishing she had gone to Edinburgh. But even if she had changed universities, she wouldn’t have known if that was the best choice at the time of the initial decision. Our experiences change, and with them our perception of our choices. Once a decision has been made, we can never know for sure what would have happened if we had chosen something different. So instead of looking for the perfect answer, let’s focus on making our decisions right. Maybe that’s the real key to a more peaceful life.